“Your plans aren’t set in stone”: 400 mums share what they wish they’d known about maternity leave

We asked women about planning, taking and coming back from maternity leave. Then we asked what advice they’d give to someone about to start hers.

What the survey found

Vira Health and Pregnant Then Screwed surveyed 400 women, most of them in the UK. The picture is of plans that often don’t survive contact with real life, and a return to work that many find harder than expected.

• 1 in 3 started maternity leave earlier than they planned, most often because of a pregnancy complication or the baby arriving early
• Two thirds took the length of leave they planned. A full year was the most common choice
• 2 in 5 who took Keeping In Touch days said they came away more anxious about returning
• 63% went back to work because they couldn’t afford more unpaid leave
• 43% said their mental health got worse after going back to work
• 42% have seriously reconsidered or changed their career path since becoming a mum

More than 250 women also shared their advice for anyone planning maternity leave. Here’s what they said, in their own words.

1. Know your rights, and don’t assume your employer does

This was the most common piece of advice by far. Many women found that managers, and sometimes HR, got the details wrong.

“Know your entitlements and outline your expectations early. If things aren’t right, speak up straight away. Never feel like you are the issue. If you don’t get what you’re entitled to, you’re not being difficult.”

“Know your rights before confirming your pregnancy, as it is surprising how little your workplace might know or understand. Get everything discussed in writing.”

“Managers often do not know, and if you are unaware I have seen colleagues lose accrued bank holidays through ignorance.”

“If you are considering Shared Parental Leave, do plenty of your own research so you understand your rights and how it works. HR departments do not necessarily understand the process.”

“Make sure you claim back any KIT days. Be clear on expectations for return and don’t apologise for becoming a mum.”

2. Save what you can, and work out your pay early

With money the main reason women go back, many said savings bought them choice.

“Save as much as you can to top up whatever leave or pay you get. It may mean an extra couple of months with baby, or just less financial worry during your precious time off.”

“If you can, put together savings to top up your maternity pay closer to your normal salary. That way, the financial pressure isn’t so high to return to work early.”

“Ask when your nine months’ pay ends. I tried to calculate it and got it wrong, so could have taken longer, but employers won’t tell you unless you ask.”

“Start saving as soon as you find out you are pregnant, and talk to your partner about finances and how it’ll work before the baby arrives. Create a spreadsheet together.”

“Squirrel as much money away as possible so you can afford the things that make your life easier during maternity leave: grocery deliveries, a crèche, a cleaner.”

3. Make a plan, but expect it to change

One in three started leave early, and many changed their minds about when to go back. Women urged others to hold their plans loosely.

“I was convinced I’d take nine months and told my employer that consistently, but six months into mat leave, I changed my mind and decided to take a full year instead.”

“Your plans aren’t set in stone and you may feel differently in that first year compared to what you expected. If you want to change them, talk about it with your partner and work.”

“Keep it flexible. You don’t know how you will feel, physically or emotionally. You don’t know what sort of mother you will be until you get there.”

“Plan according to your best guess of how you might feel and what you might want, but be flexible to getting this wrong and changing your mind!”

4. Take the time that’s right for you

Many said they’d never met a mum who wished she’d gone back sooner. Others pushed back on the pressure to take a full year if that isn’t what you want.

“Most of the mums I know who went back after only a short time say they wish they’d taken longer. I’ve never heard a mum say she wished she returned sooner.”

“Everyone says it, but it’s true: you’ll never get this time back. I actually managed to get a promotion while on maternity leave. My employer recognised it’s a short space of time and I’m worth the wait!”

“There is an expectation that all women want to take as much time off as possible, but if returning to work feels right for you, then do it. Think about what arrangement will make you the best parent, rather than what you feel you should do.”

“I’m glad I worked right up until the week before giving birth, as it meant I could take more time on the other end. But this is only possible if you’re feeling good and your work allows flexibility.”

5. Sort your return before you go

Flexible working, childcare and KIT days all go more smoothly when they’re agreed early.

“Try to get your flexible working request finalised before you go on maternity leave, so it isn’t hanging over you the entire time.”

“Think about how you might use your accrued annual leave: tag it onto the end, or use one or two days a week once you return, effectively working part time for a full-time salary.”

“Make sure there is an overlap between when your child starts in a care setting and when you go back to work, so you can get used to being without them but not at work.”

“Do the KIT days close to returning rather than in the middle of mat leave, and prepare for nursery bugs causing havoc!”

“Have a couple of allies in the business that aren’t your boss. My boss was ready to reject my flexible work request until I reached out to senior women in the organisation, who advised him to reconsider.”

6. Share the load with your partner

Women who split leave or planned the mental load together said it shaped how parenting worked long after they went back.

“Having my husband take the last few months of leave set up a more even parenting split for when we were both back at work, and eased me back into work without navigating childcare.”

“We split shared parental leave right down the middle. It meant my partner was more of an equal parent. But it was so hard on me mentally and emotionally to return to work so soon. If you’re planning something similar, seek out support before returning.”

“If you have ANY expectations of your partner, you have to communicate them. Work out a plan that suits both of you, financially and mentally.”

7. Be kind to yourself when you go back

With 43% saying their mental health dipped after returning, this may be the advice that matters most.

“Returning to work, I felt like I wasn’t performing as well, and at the same time like I wasn’t being a good parent. I would have liked to have known that this feeling is completely normal, and to have given myself permission to take it one day at a time.”

“You will go back to work a different person than you left. Give yourself grace as you find your new normal.”

“You are very unlikely to be able to do everything you used to when you first get back, and it might feel really overwhelming at first. But with time it gets easier, ambition returns, hormones settle down.”

“When you finish for mat leave, leave yourself a list of things you are good at, as the first thing you read when you go back. You’ll need the reminder of the parts of your old self that were real strengths!”

“You can go back to work and be just as great as you were before, if not better. And once you’ve got through it once, it’s much easier next time!”

About the survey: Vira Health and Pregnant Then Screwed surveyed 400 women, mainly in the UK, about planning, taking and returning from their first maternity leave. Quotes have been lightly edited for length and clarity.

Need support? Pregnant Then Screwed offers free advice on maternity rights, including an advice line and legal referral service, at pregnantthenscrewed.com.